today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
