Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Randomize
