I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
