Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
