I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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