Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
