Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
