Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
