My Higher Power is John Stamos
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
