I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
