I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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