i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
