I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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