You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
