I am in a vortex of obligation.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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