I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
