giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
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