True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
How's work?
Spinning.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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