I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
and she was petting her beer can
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
