This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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