im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
