i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize