The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Sorry about my life...
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
