Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
