Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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