This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
