my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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