I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
