So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
