when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.