I puked a lego.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?