Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
