wrigley field is MILF paradise
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
