He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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