I think my vagina is haunted
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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