I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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