i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
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I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
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how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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