Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
