sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
