Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
