If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
