i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
