Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
