Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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