yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Randomize
