Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You dont lie about slip and slides
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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