Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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