Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
At least life still wants to fuck me.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
