Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
