What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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