My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
