You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
