dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
