i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
